RANDOM HELL

When he tells you he "just doesn't want to be with you" so that he can sleep with a married woman that only wants him because she wants him to spend money on her, and you take him back because she grew tired of him now he "can't come 'round her house" and they are making people swear not to give out their new address. As in " You can know where we're moving to as long as you don't tell Bill." I took him back then...it was stupid, but I am pregnant (again) and I still love him.

But when suddenly it comes out that during that time he was talking about fucking his ex...that you didn't even think he talked to anymore, and he's been going around telling people that he's in love with the married skank (no I don't place all the blame on her, but admit she deserves some, because we were at the very lest acquaintances).

When that comes out on top of all the other lies and bullshit how much do you take? How do you know lies from truth when everything he says to you contradicts everything he's said to others. Can you believe "I love you's" when they are only over the phone when he's stuck away from his kids, or is it just another ploy to keep you where you are...under his thumb?

( Cross my heart, hope not to die... )

I'm frustrated. I miss him like crazy. And I'm angry at him for doing something so stupid and irresponsible considering our situation. I love him, though, and that's not going to change.

I just wish there was someone I could talk to... there isn't because everyone is like "you're so much better off with out him."

GUESS WHAT: YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!

Without him, I end up back sleeping in my mom's basement with two children doing nothing. I may not be doing much now, but I'm not stuck in a place that makes me want to kill myself everyday. That's generally a good thing.

I know that there is only like 20 days left until D-day...or maybe it's B-day, but honestly I am so uncomfortable I could ...do something out of the ordinary. I miss walking like a normal person...hell even for a pregnant person I walk funny because there is a little girl sitting on my pelvic bone.

However there is so much left to do and somehow no matter how much I get done there is always more, hell this week alone there are 4 different appointments we have to make it to in addition to school, school work, pumpkin carving and everything else we told Austin we would try to get done before Kathrine comes.

Realistically, I know that at least 95% of this stuff should have been done already, but I am a world class procrastinator and I seem to work better when I have less than a day to get things done...and the countdown doesn't help me much. Austin loves it though because he knows just how many more days he has to wait until his baby sister is born and he can hold her. Thats all he talks about anymore is wanting to hold his baby sister at the hospital.

Blah, rambling insanity...I'm just so uncomfortable, and hot even thoough it's only like 50 outside.

That's it I am tired of it...

I have been having false labor pains all bloody day and damnit it sucks! I'm going to stroll into my Dr.'s tomorrow and tell him he can pull her out already. I know I've still got almost a month to go,and it's nearly over but good Lord I'm tired of being hot all the time... I mean I am to the point that even when it's nearly 40 degrees outside I want the window open (even with a fan pointed at me on high)and my boyfriend is going "It's fucking freezing in here!" and I still feel like I'm in a sauna. It's nuts.

LOL So I've got the net again go me...

And in 48 days I shall have another heathen child.

Lack of net sucks balls.

Baby due Nov 10th (so I was only 3 days off go me).

It sucks... I am decidedly miserable today.

But thankfully he'll be gone until God knows when, so yay for that?

( This ride that takes me through life ... )

Oh this week sucked hard!


My son was sick all Easter weekend and even more so easter day. He completely lost his voice!
Then I got it and was sick for like four days...meaning my ass was in bed by 8:30 every night. Lucky for me I didn't even have to close the store.

Then to make everything all better about 2 am Thursday night our neighbor is pounding on our door like " You gotta get out there is an apartment on fire!" Turns out the people who moved in next to us broke up and he got into the apartment trashed it then set it on fire. We're lucky that the owner had fire walls put in as we share a wall with the burnt apartment. It was a fucking mess. My son and I sat in out van...trying to stay warm for an hour and a half, then the fire department was on the scene until four. My son then had to stay up until they all left because he wants to be a fireman when he grows up.

*sigh* sucked.

You Are 34% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

My Personality

Neuroticism	99
Extraversion	1
Openness To Experience	29
Agreeableness	86
Conscientiousness	26

You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You get overwhelmed by too much noise and commotion and do not like thrill-seeking activities. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up, however you do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report The best Survey Software.

Holy fuck I am neurotic.

( LOOKIT ME )

( Cut for teh insanity )

So it's 6:40 am and I've been up since sometime before 5...and reading smut (Cake smut ftw) since 6:00.

I think I need help...or inspiration.

FUCK!

So...BAH life can suck it for all it's worth.

And I am so melodramatic, that it physically pains me. Really the only time I post is some "oh woe is me" shit.

So have some more friend...or Erin.

Today was full of weird shits and fuckin fucked up things. I took my son to get blood work done for an Iron test and expected them to just prick his finger, like they normally do. Noo, they actually took it from him the way they would an adult! Which he took rather well, I mean he cried, but hell that shit hurts. He was fine about five minutes afterwards. Having told his grandmother in the most pathetic adorable way " They poked me!!" Then he was fine and got hot coco. I was just surprised that they took it like that, the last time he had it done it was just a little pin prick on his finger!

Then I get to work and am there about twenty minutes and the lights flicker off then right back on, no big deal I just had to reboot our registers. I thought well it can only go up from here, right? Nope, about thirty minutes later it goes out and stays out. Meaning I have to shoo the guests out of the store and wait for it to come back on. No biggie until my 'boss' decides she needs to come in "Just in case I can't 'handle' it." Fucking Bitch! I swear. It was dark..not a motherfucking fire or something! So she comes back out then when the lights come back on calls our DM and says with me standing right there ( like I am some sort of imbecile or something) " Oh I came out in case Natalie couldn't handle things." I swear it took everything in me not to grab the phone and tell them both to fuck off, hand her my keys and walk out.

The thing is, is that it's a good job. Maybe not the best paying, but it would look good on a resume should I go elsewhere. The company sort of *a lot* sucks and well my manager is the worst I've ever seen, but it's a good job and I mostly enjoy the actual work if not the circumstances. Most of the girls I work with are great,actually. And I don't have a personal problem with my boss...just a professional. She's a nice enough sort, just not the most professional person in the world.

Then I come home to find that at nearly nine pm my son hasn't had dinner..but has somehow had a chocolate doughnut with the promise of chocolate covered pretzels after he ate. Uhh, No! I don't think so. So I fed him dinner then listened to him whine because I wouldn't let him have anymore sweets. Then the same person that fed him chocolate about a hour and a half before bedtime, was bitching when he was hyper. I was like yeah that happens when you give a child sugary-caffeinated shit before bed. So after listening to people bitch for about forty minutes he's calmed down and is in bed. And now I'm left with mild irritation, that is useless because I have no ball therefore no real reason to carry on as such since it's basically all my own fault. Also the want for A coke so that I can nip some Jack and maybe relax a bit.


All in all...Today failed.

( So stupid that even I can't believe it! )

Okay so what is it about a cute (painfully adorable, yet sexy in a really undercover smoldering sorta way) man and a child that sets my *and others* biological clock into over time? Cos, really one look at this and mine was like 'ticktockticktock' double time... Squish .

Then after that image haunting me..Yes haunting me for two days I come home from work yesterday to help my sister clean out the garage for the yard sale we had today, and get slammed with all sorts of baby images. From Austin's baby pics, his old clothes and his snuggly *baby sling* and bassinet (which I can not bear to part with I've learned). So, by them my ovaries were screaming "Bitch have a fuckin kid already!" In spite of me saying Oh no more for me, ever.

My sister, whom apparently has never heard of a baby sling was all like oh whats that do, so I got in mind to show her.Bad BAD idea, like right up there with forks in electric sockets bad, so I put the thing on and get all awww...lookit how you could hold your little baby in this. And then I got all squish and teared a bit.

Then today we actually had the yard sale, and though I put the bassinet in it, spent the day fretting that someone would buy it. I tried to rationalize it like I don't need it and it's just sitting and Gods only know when/if I will have another child, but my mind was like No, it can not sell...I will cry. It didn't hell hardly anything did, sucked hard core. So I packed it back up, and feel whole because I know it's still sitting there.

Granted the only reason I think I got so up in arms about it is the roaring of my biological clock and my weird emotional tide thats been going on. Seriously I am like freaking emotional, and not the pms kind, just weirdly emotional over weird stupid things. It totally sucks.

And I am pretty sure I need help...a lot of help.

So I got up earlier than necessary today, in an attempt to go get my temps again. Yes, I am that lame that at the ripe old age of 23 I still can not drive. I don’t know what it is, but when ever I get behind the wheel of a car (mind you I’ve had my temps like three times) my brain goes ‘what are you nuts you CAN’T drive a car…it’s like unnatural or something!’ Then I get the weird shakes, and a mild panic attack ensues.
Someday I will drive a car…Fates willing. I don’t know seems like when ever I make plans to go and do something gets in the way. I’ve to date lost my S.S. card, forgotten my birth certificate, and have been told that people didn’t have time to get me from point A to point B. Granted that last one is my own fault…I should be able to drive, damn it! Maybe I am just not meant to drive a car? I don’t know seems like something is plotting against me, or picking up on my intense hesitation in actually wanting to drive. I mean I know that I NEED to…but wanting to complete other matter entirely.

On to something else I really don’t want to think about, shall we? Okay so this girl I work with caught me in the middle of pulling my hair back… or attempting too anyway my hair’s just too short for a decent pony tail, and tells me you have a gray hair. I didn’t know if I should slap her or just cry. Instead I made a look around you sort of gesture and left it at that. I am hoping that it’s just the difference in my hair, as my hair needs colored again, so it’s like a light brownish blonde colour at the roots and faded black through out. I mean, really, I am only 23! The fact that my son is not heading into school age is bad enough… I do not really need to worry about gray hair. In fact I am hoping that I get my Grandma’s genes in that respect, and my hair goes a silvery shade of blonde.

Now for something I am excited about…. My son starting Pre-school! He’s growing up way too fast for my liking. I can already see me now, putting him on his bus all smiles then crying my eyes out once he’s out of sight. I had no clue it would be so conflicting dealing with this. On one hand I am completely stoked on the other hand I want to grab him and be like “no, don’t grow up yet, I’m not ready!” I guess it’s one of those parent things you always hear from your own. When they’re all like just wait and see… God it’s true! Curse them, how dare they be right about so many things! Well, that was a touch over dramatic, don’t you think?

More things… Next week is ‘Girls night out!’ Which entails us taking in a Gabriel Iglasias show, and possibly shopping before hand? I don’t know. I just know it’ll be nice to not spend a Saturday evening at work. Though I am thinking about trying to con the girls into leaving earlier than need be so that when (well if) work calls I can be like well I am in Columbus and can’t make it back, sorry. I know that if I am sitting at home waiting and they call I will go in. $22 ticket be damned, because my boss will make me feel bad if I don’t. Despite, the fact that I’ve covered her shift more times than I can count, curse my guilt complex and inability to say no to people.


Wow, so that got long and rambley fast. I guess I should thank you for taking the time to read my bit of insanity, I hope I didn’t frighten you too bad.

X posted to my www.Triviumworld.com blog/myspace

Okay for starters: I am so nervous I could puke.

Now that I have your attention! Today is my meeting with the preschool, and I am worried that they'll have a look at me and be like " Uh, No?" Cos well, obviously, I am not the most conventional mother around.
And I just don't want to do or say anything that might be held against him in this. This is a really big thing! This could be so good for him!

Hell I've already bought a back pack, and lunch box ( that I am not even sure he'll need), but I am all sorts of excited about him potentially getting to do this. Then he'll be turning five, and going to Kindergarten *mini freak out* next year. Hell his birthday is in thirty some odd days and I've no clue what to do for his party.

On top of that his father has decided to be human, I know I'm scared too, and invite me to go with to Kings Island for his birthday with them. Some how he managed to get tickets...I really do not know what he had to do to get them. As nice as that sounds, being able to do something with my son that does not involve playing in our back yard, it also means spending and entire day with Bill. *shudders* I don't even know if I can do that! He makes me want to strangle myself with my own shoelaces, I swear!


Bah...look at me wasting time blogging when I could be *pause* Hell I don't know polishing my shoes or something! Yeah...help me?