RANDOM HELL

How much is too much lies

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 22:53:15 GMT

When he tells you he "just doesn't want to be with you" so that he can sleep with a married woman that only wants him because she wants him to spend money on her, and you take him back because she grew tired of him now he "can't come 'round her house" and they are making people swear not to give out their new address. As in " You can know where we're moving to as long as you don't tell Bill." I took him back then...it was stupid, but I am pregnant (again) and I still love him.

But when suddenly it comes out that during that time he was talking about fucking his ex...that you didn't even think he talked to anymore, and he's been going around telling people that he's in love with the married skank (no I don't place all the blame on her, but admit she deserves some, because we were at the very lest acquaintances).

When that comes out on top of all the other lies and bullshit how much do you take? How do you know lies from truth when everything he says to you contradicts everything he's said to others. Can you believe "I love you's" when they are only over the phone when he's stuck away from his kids, or is it just another ploy to keep you where you are...under his thumb?

Sometimes people just really REALLY fucking suck!!!

Wed, 13 May 2009 04:25:31 GMT

So at like Midnightish tonight, Bills phone rings *mind you we've been up since 4 yesterday, and are exausted* It's his friend demanding that he comes up to stay or her soon to be ex is going to sleep in her drive...I have no clue why. Something about some strange man doing something and her boyfriend breaking up with her or something...Really at this point in time I could COMPLETELY care less!

So I'm thinking that Bill'll go up there and come back in the am for her daughter who is sleeping perfectly safe in our room. No at midnight I have to wake up, dress, pack, and bundle into the truck her little girl. " She just doesn't feel safe with her down here." SO WHY DID SHE SEND HER!?

It's late Bills half asleep, had taken his sleeping pill, naturally I am worried about him driving. I don't get upset he's going up there, I don't demand anything but to know why he had to drag the 'baby' out at 12. I ask if he can call to let me know he at least made it up there safely *not too much right?* I get my head snapped off, and a complete attitude, for apparently being worried about him. Make's perfect fucking sense.

It's times like this when, even though I love him and want to work things out I think ' it's possible I could be better off without' When he acts like this to me because THEY pissed him off, and I am worried, when he acts as though I don't know how to care for our children (whom I spend more time with than he does! I am their primary caregiver.)

I don't know it's fucking stupid the whole thing. I hope nothings wrong up there, and that everyone is safe,but if she has a couch for Bill to sleep on why couldn't the future ex-hubby sleep on it instead? Meanwhile I don't even know if he's going to be home in time for Katie's checkup, I didn't ask. I'm debating about calling and reminding him tomorrow morning.

*sigh* I vented, hopefully without pissing him off...

FUCK IT ALL!

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:49:24 GMT

I'm frustrated. I miss him like crazy. And I'm angry at him for doing something so stupid and irresponsible considering our situation. I love him, though, and that's not going to change.

I just wish there was someone I could talk to... there isn't because everyone is like "you're so much better off with out him."

GUESS WHAT: YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!

Without him, I end up back sleeping in my mom's basement with two children doing nothing. I may not be doing much now, but I'm not stuck in a place that makes me want to kill myself everyday. That's generally a good thing.

IS IT TIME YET!!!!

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:32:44 GMT

I know that there is only like 20 days left until D-day...or maybe it's B-day, but honestly I am so uncomfortable I could ...do something out of the ordinary. I miss walking like a normal person...hell even for a pregnant person I walk funny because there is a little girl sitting on my pelvic bone.

However there is so much left to do and somehow no matter how much I get done there is always more, hell this week alone there are 4 different appointments we have to make it to in addition to school, school work, pumpkin carving and everything else we told Austin we would try to get done before Kathrine comes.

Realistically, I know that at least 95% of this stuff should have been done already, but I am a world class procrastinator and I seem to work better when I have less than a day to get things done...and the countdown doesn't help me much. Austin loves it though because he knows just how many more days he has to wait until his baby sister is born and he can hold her. Thats all he talks about anymore is wanting to hold his baby sister at the hospital.

Blah, rambling insanity...I'm just so uncomfortable, and hot even thoough it's only like 50 outside.

Any fucking day now!!!!

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 01:06:01 GMT

That's it I am tired of it...

I have been having false labor pains all bloody day and damnit it sucks! I'm going to stroll into my Dr.'s tomorrow and tell him he can pull her out already. I know I've still got almost a month to go,and it's nearly over but good Lord I'm tired of being hot all the time... I mean I am to the point that even when it's nearly 40 degrees outside I want the window open (even with a fan pointed at me on high)and my boyfriend is going "It's fucking freezing in here!" and I still feel like I'm in a sauna. It's nuts.

I've missed you internetz!

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:35:07 GMT

LOL So I've got the net again go me...

And in 48 days I shall have another heathen child.

I miss the interwebz

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 18:46:21 GMT

Lack of net sucks balls.

Baby due Nov 10th (so I was only 3 days off go me).

Men are oblivious.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 11:09:13 GMT

It sucks... I am decidedly miserable today.

But thankfully he'll be gone until God knows when, so yay for that?

News

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:25:22 GMT

Right, so I'll start with the fact that I'm going to be a Mommy, again. Much to the dismay of my family, but to my surprised excitement.
That's right just call me Prego, I'm a little over three months along.

I also quit my job...which sorta sucks.

That's the good news,

Yesterday my Uncle passed away from Cancer. However, being *Dead Inside* I remain largely numb . That and I'm trying to be strong for my Mom...who is in turn trying to be strong for all of us. The showing is tomorrow, and I can't predict how I am going to deal with it.

To make matters worse on my Mom though my Boyfriend and her husband got into an argument about my son. Her husband just doesn't realize that my son is NOT his child. Instead he bitches when my boyfriend punishes in his home. So tempers flared and her husband ended up threatening to kill my boyfriend. Which I know he was angry and probably wasn't serious it didn't stop me from waking up at Four-thirty this morning thinking about it. Because he had my house keys for several days and could have made copies. Since he made this threat with my son in the room, he won't be seeing him anytime soon. Which is going to piss him off,and he'll be threating to take us to court again. Being that that is his favorite thing to say when he doesn't get his way.

On a happier note *and I don't know how cold this makes me look* Today was my son's Head Start Zoo trip. Being as how we'd had it planed for about a month we went up there. Had a really good time and burned through two camera's worth of flim. Aus. got his face painted with a green snake, which he thinks is the coolest thing ever. We got to see the baby river otters, born March 13th. He had a blast, and aside from walking hours on end We did too. Aus. got to do so many different things today that he really hadn't gotten the opportunity to do, like pet a starfish, ride a really big horse, and touch a snake. And even though he told me at the start he wanted to see the elephants the most I think he got more excited about the reptile house than anything else...enough to get a snake 'tattoo' and a snake toy.

Right then, so I either blog a little or blog a disjointed lot... I'm nuts.

What a Week

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 01:00:04 GMT

Oh this week sucked hard!

My son was sick all Easter weekend and even more so easter day. He completely lost his voice!
Then I got it and was sick for like four days...meaning my ass was in bed by 8:30 every night. Lucky for me I didn't even have to close the store.

Then to make everything all better about 2 am Thursday night our neighbor is pounding on our door like " You gotta get out there is an apartment on fire!" Turns out the people who moved in next to us broke up and he got into the apartment trashed it then set it on fire. We're lucky that the owner had fire walls put in as we share a wall with the burnt apartment. It was a fucking mess. My son and I sat in out van...trying to stay warm for an hour and a half, then the fire department was on the scene until four. My son then had to stay up until they all left because he wants to be a fireman when he grows up.

*sigh* sucked.

Not what I expected

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 14:17:29 GMT

You Are 34% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

I had to do it too!

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 04:30:50 GMT

My Personality


Neuroticism	99
Extraversion	1
Openness To Experience	29
Agreeableness	86
Conscientiousness	26

You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You get overwhelmed by too much noise and commotion and do not like thrill-seeking activities. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up, however you do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report

The best Survey Software.

Holy fuck I am neurotic.

Wooo survey.

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 05:17:08 GMT

Time started: 11:47pm
Name: Nicki

Gender: Female

1. When showering, do you start the water and then get in or get in and start the water?:
Water first

2. Do you read the labels on the shampoo bottle?:
In the shower? No, I can't see them.

3. Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence?:
Not yet had that pleasure.

4. Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?:
No, Thank the Gods.

5. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?:
Once or twice.

7. How old do you look?:
Told that I look younger.

8. How old do you act?:
Older mostly.

9. What's the last song you heard/sang?:
Break Anotha-Blake Lewis

10. Have you recently become a member of anything?:
Nope.

11. What are your plans for the weekend?:
I've not got any aside from work.

12. What is your mood at the moment?:
Confused and angry.

13. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?:
Not yet. I plan too though.

14. Do you ever intentionally vomit after drinking?:
That's stupid.

15. If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be?:
Hell if I know, prolly the whore.

16. Have you ever called anyone a slut?:
Told an old friend that his wife is a whore...that count.

17. Has anyone ever called you a slut?:
All the time.

18. Have you ever smuggled something into Canada?:
Nope, they have stuff there.

19. Does playing a guitar make someone more attractive?:
Sometimes.

20. Do you live in a city with a good sports team?:
No.

21. Have you ever finished off the popcorn?:
The smell makes me wanna barf.

23. What's your favorite superhero?:
Uhhh....

24. Do you have more enemies or more friends?:
Do I have enemies?

25. Have you ever sent an anonymous letter?:
Nope

26. Can you fix your own car?:
Uhh, Daddy help?

27. Are you smarter than your friends?:
Hell no I'm the stupid whore.

28. Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?:
Not stolen, I just forgot to return it.

29. Have you ever been to jail?:
No and hopefully I'll never have too.

30. Last thing you bought over 50 dollars?:
Eyeglasses.

31. Do you like the smell of beer?:
It depends on my mood.

32. Have you ever died or killed someone in a dream?:
I die a lot.

33. Who did you steal this from, and who is most likely to steal it from you?
xandressamalfoy E might steal it.

34. Would you kill a dog for $1000?:
No I would not.

35. Do you live with your parents?:
Yes.

36. Do you have plans for your future?:
Kinda.

YOU ARE:
[x] 5’4’’ or under
[]5’5’’-5’6’’
[] 5’7’’-5’8’’
[] 5’9’’-5’10’’
[] 5’11’’-6’
[] Tall (6’1’’ and up)

HAIR:
[)] Blonde
[] Red
[] Brown
[] Dark brown
[] Black
[x] Light brown/dirty blonde

EYES:
[] Blue-eyed
[] Brown-eyed
[] Black-eyed
[] Green-eyed
[x] Hazel-eyed
[] Gold/gray-eyed
[] Silver/gray- eyed
[] Blue/green-eyed
[] Blue/gray-eyed
[] Green/gray-eyed
[] They change colors

[] Glasses
[] Contacts
[] Neither
[x] Both

[] Medium hair
[] Long hair
[x] Short hair

Your favorite color(s) are?
[x] Red
[] Khaki
[] Aqua
[] Pink
[] Yellow
[x] Black
[] green
[] Lime green
[] Blue
[] Navy
[] White
[] Turquoise
[] Silver
[] Purple
[] Coral
[] Clear
[] Orange
[] Electric blue
[] Bronze
[] I don't really care
[] Rainbow
[] I basically like all colors

Your personality is sometimes ..
[] Talkative
[x] Shy
[x] Funny
[x] Serious
[x] Laid back
[] Strict
[x] Hyper
[x] Sarcastic
[] High Strung
[] I have multiple personalities

The pets you have or had:
[] Cat
[x] Dog
[] Lizard
[] Ferret
[] Bunny
[] Fish
[] Horse
[] Frog
[] Hermit crab
[] Turtle
[] Snake
[x] Gerbil
[] Guinea pig
[] Pig
[] Goat
[] Chinchilla
[] Tarantula
[] Hedgehog
[] Snail
[] Piranha
[] Bird
[] Hamster
[] Chicken
[] None

Your confessions:
x] I'm afraid of silence
[x] I’m really ticklish
[] I'm afraid of the dark
[] I've collected comic books
[x] I sometimes shut out others
[] I open up to others TOO easily
[] I read the newspaper
[x] I love Disney movies
[x] I am a sucker for gorgeous eyes
[x] I am a sucker for gorgeous smile
[] I am just a sucker
[] I don't kill bugs
[] I have “x”s in my screen name
[] I bake well
[x] I have worn pajamas to class
[] I love Martha Stewart
[x] I love to laugh
[x] I can't swallow pills without water
[] I bite my nails
[] I have gotten lost in the city
[x] I have gone out in public in my pajamas
[] I made out in an elevator
[] have been skydiving
[] I have been bungee jumping
[] I have bitten someone
[] I have egged or rolled a house/car/telephone booth with toilet paper.
[] I have been fired

Have you ever...
[x] Seen a shooting star
[x] Joke proposed to anyone
[x] Gotten stitches
[] Eaten sushi
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[] Ridden in a taxi
[] Been on a cruise ship
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[] Been on a plane by yourself
[x]Had surgery
[]Seen a movie 3 times or more in the theater
[] Been on stage
[x] Gotten a black eye
[x] Memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[] Watched an entire baseball game

Do you like...
[] Old movies
[] Musicals
[x] Blasting music in your car/or someone else's
[] Foreign foods
[] Pokemon
[] Christmas time
[x] Animals
[] Coffee
[x] Tea
[x] Summer
[] Winter

More questions

1. Two names you go by:
Nicki, Natalie

2. Two things you are wearing right now:
Jeans and a pink cami.

3. Two places you want to go on vacation:
I don't know.

4. Two favorite animals?:
Lioness, and Dolphin.

5. Two reasons you're doing this survey:
I'm bored, and I need distraction.

6. Spell your name without vowels:
Nck

7. How many pairs of jeans do you own?:
like 6

8. What color(s) do you wear most often?:
Black.

9. Last song heard on the radio?:
Uhh, I can't remember.

10. Are you missing someone right now?:
Not really.

11. Are you happy with your life right now?:
Meh.

12. Do you shop at stores like Hollister and Abercrombie?:
Fuck no.

13. How do you make money?:
I work.

14. Last thing you bought?:
Glasses.

15. How's the weather?:
Sorta warm I guess.

16. When do you start summer break?:
I don't get one anymore.

17. Favorite brand of shoes?:
Converse.

18. Do you own big sunglasses?:
No.

19. What should you be doing right now?
Sleeping.

20. How many beds did you lay in yesterday?:
One.

21. Name one thing that you do everyday?:
Went to work.

22. What's the color of your bedroom walls?:
White.

23. What’s your favorite sport to play?:
Basket Ball.

24. When was the last time you saw your dad?:
Not that long ago.

25. What did you have for dinner last night?:
Uhh... Did I even eat?

26. What is your fav. Starbucks?
Tea If I have too.

27. Recent time you were really upset?
Sunday.

28. Best things in your life right now are?:
Austin, and the friend that keeps me sane.

Time finished: 12:25am

When it all comes crashing down.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 03:46:36 GMT

Where exactly do you go when everything you've taught yourself to believe is a lie? When everything you've ever thought you could or should be just isn't anywhere near enough?

Good questions, right? Anyone got any answers?

I have so many Goddamn issues that even I can't keep them straight. I don't even know where to go anymore. And I know that I am mostly just stressed and that the stress makes me feel even more lost than I would on a regular basis. Or maybe the stress just strips of the shiny sheet of disillusion that I hide under? Yes, I am aware that I am horribly disillusioned, if I wasn't I don't think that I would be able to even act as (sane, I guess) as I do.

More importantly how do you take control of your life, when that is the one thing you fear the most? Because seriously... I am not a control type of person. I'm more of a tell me what to do and I'll do it so long as I don't have to make a decision kind of gal. I think that the correct terminology is "Indecisive Loser".

I don't know, this is stupid and pointless. There's just so much shit, and I can't get it to stop, and I'm just so fucking tired of trying.

Bah (keychange)

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 10:42:24 GMT

So it's 6:40 am and I've been up since sometime before 5...and reading smut (Cake smut ftw) since 6:00.

I think I need help...or inspiration.

FUCK!

Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 03:53:50 GMT

So...BAH life can suck it for all it's worth.

And I am so melodramatic, that it physically pains me. Really the only time I post is some "oh woe is me" shit.

So have some more friend...or Erin.

Today was full of weird shits and fuckin fucked up things. I took my son to get blood work done for an Iron test and expected them to just prick his finger, like they normally do. Noo, they actually took it from him the way they would an adult! Which he took rather well, I mean he cried, but hell that shit hurts. He was fine about five minutes afterwards. Having told his grandmother in the most pathetic adorable way " They poked me!!" Then he was fine and got hot coco. I was just surprised that they took it like that, the last time he had it done it was just a little pin prick on his finger!

Then I get to work and am there about twenty minutes and the lights flicker off then right back on, no big deal I just had to reboot our registers. I thought well it can only go up from here, right? Nope, about thirty minutes later it goes out and stays out. Meaning I have to shoo the guests out of the store and wait for it to come back on. No biggie until my 'boss' decides she needs to come in "Just in case I can't 'handle' it." Fucking Bitch! I swear. It was dark..not a motherfucking fire or something! So she comes back out then when the lights come back on calls our DM and says with me standing right there ( like I am some sort of imbecile or something) " Oh I came out in case Natalie couldn't handle things." I swear it took everything in me not to grab the phone and tell them both to fuck off, hand her my keys and walk out.

The thing is, is that it's a good job. Maybe not the best paying, but it would look good on a resume should I go elsewhere. The company sort of *a lot* sucks and well my manager is the worst I've ever seen, but it's a good job and I mostly enjoy the actual work if not the circumstances. Most of the girls I work with are great,actually. And I don't have a personal problem with my boss...just a professional. She's a nice enough sort, just not the most professional person in the world.

Then I come home to find that at nearly nine pm my son hasn't had dinner..but has somehow had a chocolate doughnut with the promise of chocolate covered pretzels after he ate. Uhh, No! I don't think so. So I fed him dinner then listened to him whine because I wouldn't let him have anymore sweets. Then the same person that fed him chocolate about a hour and a half before bedtime, was bitching when he was hyper. I was like yeah that happens when you give a child sugary-caffeinated shit before bed. So after listening to people bitch for about forty minutes he's calmed down and is in bed. And now I'm left with mild irritation, that is useless because I have no ball therefore no real reason to carry on as such since it's basically all my own fault. Also the want for A coke so that I can nip some Jack and maybe relax a bit.

All in all...Today failed.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 19:15:17 GMT

So, as you've guessed I'm stupid.

So unbelievably stupid.

You know how they say fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? Well heap the motherfucking shame onto me because I fell for it again!

Same fucking people, same fucking tricks and I fell for it all over again!

I'm also quite disgusted with myself.

Oh my ovaries! (omg that's a 'joke' I haven't used in ages)

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 01:04:27 GMT

Okay so what is it about a cute (painfully adorable, yet sexy in a really undercover smoldering sorta way) man and a child that sets my *and others* biological clock into over time? Cos, really one look at this and mine was like 'ticktockticktock' double time... Squish .

Then after that image haunting me..Yes haunting me for two days I come home from work yesterday to help my sister clean out the garage for the yard sale we had today, and get slammed with all sorts of baby images. From Austin's baby pics, his old clothes and his snuggly *baby sling* and bassinet (which I can not bear to part with I've learned). So, by them my ovaries were screaming "Bitch have a fuckin kid already!" In spite of me saying Oh no more for me, ever.

My sister, whom apparently has never heard of a baby sling was all like oh whats that do, so I got in mind to show her.Bad BAD idea, like right up there with forks in electric sockets bad, so I put the thing on and get all awww...lookit how you could hold your little baby in this. And then I got all squish and teared a bit.

Then today we actually had the yard sale, and though I put the bassinet in it, spent the day fretting that someone would buy it. I tried to rationalize it like I don't need it and it's just sitting and Gods only know when/if I will have another child, but my mind was like No, it can not sell...I will cry. It didn't hell hardly anything did, sucked hard core. So I packed it back up, and feel whole because I know it's still sitting there.

Granted the only reason I think I got so up in arms about it is the roaring of my biological clock and my weird emotional tide thats been going on. Seriously I am like freaking emotional, and not the pms kind, just weirdly emotional over weird stupid things. It totally sucks.

And I am pretty sure I need help...a lot of help.

Not meant to drive?

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 16:31:14 GMT

So I got up earlier than necessary today, in an attempt to go get my temps again. Yes, I am that lame that at the ripe old age of 23 I still can not drive. I don’t know what it is, but when ever I get behind the wheel of a car (mind you I’ve had my temps like three times) my brain goes ‘what are you nuts you CAN’T drive a car…it’s like unnatural or something!’ Then I get the weird shakes, and a mild panic attack ensues.
Someday I will drive a car…Fates willing. I don’t know seems like when ever I make plans to go and do something gets in the way. I’ve to date lost my S.S. card, forgotten my birth certificate, and have been told that people didn’t have time to get me from point A to point B. Granted that last one is my own fault…I should be able to drive, damn it! Maybe I am just not meant to drive a car? I don’t know seems like something is plotting against me, or picking up on my intense hesitation in actually wanting to drive. I mean I know that I NEED to…but wanting to complete other matter entirely.

On to something else I really don’t want to think about, shall we? Okay so this girl I work with caught me in the middle of pulling my hair back… or attempting too anyway my hair’s just too short for a decent pony tail, and tells me you have a gray hair. I didn’t know if I should slap her or just cry. Instead I made a look around you sort of gesture and left it at that. I am hoping that it’s just the difference in my hair, as my hair needs colored again, so it’s like a light brownish blonde colour at the roots and faded black through out. I mean, really, I am only 23! The fact that my son is not heading into school age is bad enough… I do not really need to worry about gray hair. In fact I am hoping that I get my Grandma’s genes in that respect, and my hair goes a silvery shade of blonde.

Now for something I am excited about…. My son starting Pre-school! He’s growing up way too fast for my liking. I can already see me now, putting him on his bus all smiles then crying my eyes out once he’s out of sight. I had no clue it would be so conflicting dealing with this. On one hand I am completely stoked on the other hand I want to grab him and be like “no, don’t grow up yet, I’m not ready!” I guess it’s one of those parent things you always hear from your own. When they’re all like just wait and see… God it’s true! Curse them, how dare they be right about so many things! Well, that was a touch over dramatic, don’t you think?

More things… Next week is ‘Girls night out!’ Which entails us taking in a Gabriel Iglasias show, and possibly shopping before hand? I don’t know. I just know it’ll be nice to not spend a Saturday evening at work. Though I am thinking about trying to con the girls into leaving earlier than need be so that when (well if) work calls I can be like well I am in Columbus and can’t make it back, sorry. I know that if I am sitting at home waiting and they call I will go in. $22 ticket be damned, because my boss will make me feel bad if I don’t. Despite, the fact that I’ve covered her shift more times than I can count, curse my guilt complex and inability to say no to people.

Wow, so that got long and rambley fast. I guess I should thank you for taking the time to read my bit of insanity, I hope I didn’t frighten you too bad.

X posted to my www.Triviumworld.com blog/myspace

EEEK!

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 13:39:23 GMT

Okay for starters: I am so nervous I could puke.

Now that I have your attention! Today is my meeting with the preschool, and I am worried that they'll have a look at me and be like " Uh, No?" Cos well, obviously, I am not the most conventional mother around.
And I just don't want to do or say anything that might be held against him in this. This is a really big thing! This could be so good for him!

Hell I've already bought a back pack, and lunch box ( that I am not even sure he'll need), but I am all sorts of excited about him potentially getting to do this. Then he'll be turning five, and going to Kindergarten *mini freak out* next year. Hell his birthday is in thirty some odd days and I've no clue what to do for his party.

On top of that his father has decided to be human, I know I'm scared too, and invite me to go with to Kings Island for his birthday with them. Some how he managed to get tickets...I really do not know what he had to do to get them. As nice as that sounds, being able to do something with my son that does not involve playing in our back yard, it also means spending and entire day with Bill. *shudders* I don't even know if I can do that! He makes me want to strangle myself with my own shoelaces, I swear!

Bah...look at me wasting time blogging when I could be *pause* Hell I don't know polishing my shoes or something! Yeah...help me?

V.I.P phone calls, Hurry Potter and more!!

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 03:13:51 GMT

So a while back I posted about a phone call I was due to receive, then never followed up on it. Typical of me, really.

Soo.. I got a phone call from Matt Heafy ( Of Trivium)! Ya know, I bet he can not say his name without adding that of Trivium on the end, as he identified himself like that on the phone. ( Like I would be like Matt who?) Pfft, sadly I giggled...a lot. I am horridly embarrassed over it. But I talked to him for a bit over five minutes...it was actually him..not the recording I expected.
Thus, that band has earned even more of my esteem, and well hello Favourite band!

Moving on, darling_lily and I went to see Harry Potter last Saturday. Great fun, really. We, I am sure, bothered lots of people with our *MY* mostly inappropriate laughter, and the " Thanks, for catching up!" comment. We've still to throw gummy bear heads, Lil.

So she 'forced' me to watch this highly *OVER* promo'ed A7X dvd... and I was highly disappointed. I mean as much as they pimped the fuck out of it..it was all rather boring. And while I will admit to pre-ordering it...I don't know what I did with it after I got it. It's sitting somewhere I am sure...but where. I guess I am content to watch it will Lil... So we can laugh at Syn and the Rev being dickheads..and awe over Johnny being so impossibly cute. Speaking of one Synyster Gates, I think *despite the fact that she comes off as a cold hard bitch* his girlfriend deserves a medal. Seriously if I had to put up with that...I would kill him. Drunk or not he comes off as a pompous asshole.

And onto something of value... My son got accepted into the Pre-School I attempted to enroll him in. YAY! I am so excited/ sad cos he's growing up! Granted he's not in yet, we still have to meet all the requirements (which I hope to do). I just can't believe he's old enough for school already. Seems like not long ago he was learning how to walk, now he'll be riding the school bus! ('scuse me I think I need to go have a cry.)

Wait What Happened!?!

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 03:00:21 GMT

Okay so I am totally freaking out right now.

I joined a certain bands fan club today, and had the fortune to be the lucky 13th member (he is calling the first thirteenth and one hundred and thirteenth it would seem). Thus earning the pleasure of a phone call *recorded or otherwise* from the front man of said band.

I am pretty excited about it..not in the fangirl sense, but more of a wow he's such a talented individual whom I look up to and he's going to speak directly to me (in some form). Now I figure it'll go about like this : Thanks for joining (Ie: spending X amount of dollars on membership), and for your support, etc..but I am still totally thrilled with it. I really expect nothing more than that... Hell I didn't even know that they were doing that until I got in the car and my Dad said hey this lady called about some band and he's going to call you. (they prolly think I am some crazy 13 year old!)

And seriously I adore the band..and have dedicated a shit load of myself to the fandom...going so far as to have a mag shipped to me from the U.K. because they had a six page layout and I couldn't get it here. ( yeah, that may not sound like much to some but that's a big deal to me) As is this phone call.

Yeah so...I am geeking out a bit...but I will be okay. It's just a phone call from a stranger... right?

Taken from xandressamalfoy

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 02:35:02 GMT

The COMPLETE About me survey!

THE BASICS
Name: Nicki *Natalie*
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Screen Name: On lj? Sacred_lie
Birthday: 9/14/1983
Race: Caucasian
School/Grade: None
Job: Assistant Manager @ Family Dollar
Status: Here?
Hometown: Lancaster
Current Town: Still Lancaster
Parents Still Together?: No
Siblings: 2 Sisters, 1 step bitch, 2 step brothers, and one adopted Erin
Pets: Dog
Smoker:No
Drinker: Hell yeah
Virgin: Nope
Orientation: Straight..
Drugs: Not on any atm
APPEARANCE
Hair Color: Faded black
Is It Dyed?: Yes
Eye Color:Hazel
Height: 5'1"
Style: It's short...
Glasses/Contacts/None?: Glasses
Freckles:A few
Body Type: Fluffy
Shoe Size: 7.5
Piercings:Industrial in my ear
Want More?: HELL YES
Tattoos: None yet
Want More?: Plan to get a few
Braces?: nope
Overall Best Feature: ......
Overall Worst Feature:: Everything
Do you get most of your traits from mom or dad?: I don't know my dad
LIKES/DISLIKES
Favorite Color: black
Worst Color: Yellow
Favorite Number: Don't have one
Favorite Animal:Dolphin
Least Favorite Animal: ...
Favorite Flower: Don't really have one
Favorite Food: mm...Grilled Chicken
Worst Food: Lots
Favorite Junk Food: Dark chocolate
Worst Junk Food: Anything coconut flavored
Favorite Restaurant: I don't really have one
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Mint
Favorite Candy: Hershey's special Dark
Favorite Alcoholic Drink: Jack and Coke
Favorite NON Alcoholic Drink: Coke
Worst Alcoholic Drink:Beer
Worst NON Alcoholic Drink: Pepsi
Favorite Genre of Music: A lot
Worst Genre: Rap
Favorite Band/Artist: Trivium
Worst Band/Artist: Bitch that sings the umbrella song (makes me wanna death myself)
Favorite Song: Right now? Feeling Good Michael Buble
Worst Song: Girlfriend or that bloody Umbrella song
Favorite Radio Station: 99.7
Favorite Book: I don't really know.
Worst Book: ...
Favorite Type of Movie: I don't watch many
Worst Type of Movie: Super-sickly romantic bullshit
Favorite Movie: Gotta say Clerks II at the moment
Worst Movie Ever: I don't know
Favorite TV Show: ...
Wost TV Show: ...
Favorite Season of the Year: Summer or Fall
Worst Season: Winter I guess
Best Friend: Erin
Worst Enemy: Jessica right now...crackwhore
Favorite Day of the Week: Which ever one I am not working
Least Favorite Day of the Week: Monday
Favorite Sport: ...
Sport You Hate: Most
One thing you cant get enough of: The Richness...he needs to come do me like NOW
One thing you hate more than anything: Hearing people eat
LOVE LIFE
Are You Single?: Single
If not, who is your bf/gf?: n./a
How Long Have You Been Together?: n/a
If You're Single, Do you Like It?: Meh... I don't know
Do You Have a Crush On Anyone Right Now?: Major lust for one The Richness and Zacky V
First Kiss: I was a kid *YOUNG* his name was Kevin
Ever Kiss in the Rain?: I did once
In a Movie Theater?: Yes
Underwater?: No
First Love: Dustin I guess
Have you ever Cheated on Anyone?: No
Been Cheated on?: Yes
Used Someone?: Not intentionally
Been used?: Yes
Lied to your bf/gf?: Yes
Ever Made out With Just a Friend?: Yes
Ever Had Sex With Just a Friend?: No
Are You a Tease?: No
Do you Flirt a Lot?: No, too embarrassing
Longest Relationship: Almost four years
Shortest: Nine months
Have you Ever Gotten a Poem?: No
Ever Get Flowers?: Yes
Sweetest Thing You've Ever Gotten: Austin got me a necklace for mothers day...Granted he IS my son.
Do you Like Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day?: No
Do you Believe in Love at First Sight?: Lust at first sight
Do you Believe in "The One"?: Not really
Do you Fall in Love Fast?: Some what
Are you a Player?: No
Would you ever Hook Up With Someone of the Same sex?: I don't know
Have You ever Kissed 2 People in One Day?: No
Kissed 2 People At One Time?: No
Had Sex with 2 People in One day?: No
Had sex with 2+ People at One Time?: No (I'm repressed?)
Ever cried over someone of the opposite sex?: Yes
Ever Been Dumped?: Yes
Ever dumped someone?: No
Ever been rejected?: Yes
Do you have a lot of ex's?: No
Are you a slut?: Not at all
Ever been called one?: Yes
Ever dated someone more than once?: Yes
Do you ever make the first move?:Never
Double dates or single?: None at the moment
Do you want to get married?: Not unless I am 100% about that person
OPPOSITE SEX (what you're attracted to)
Hair Color: Usually dark I guess
Short or long?: Doesn't matter
Eye color?: Doesn't matter
Style: ...
Age: I usually date older but as long as he's legal I'm alright with it
Height: I tend to be attracted to taller guys (though I am 5'1")
Weight: Meh I don't really care
Muscular or skinny?: Either
Boxers or Briefs?: Boxers
Do you care about looks?: A bit
OTHER QUESTIONS
Can you drive?: No cos I SUCK
Do you have a car?: A van
Do you have a cell phone?: Yes
Are you online a lot?: Yes too much
Do you like gay/bi people?: I do
Can you speak another language?: Not really
Do you do well in school?:
Do you collect anything?: No
Have an obsession?: I don't know that I am 'obsessed'
Do you hate yourself?: Most times
Ever smile for no reason?: Sometimes I will think of something funny, usually an inside joke, and giggle for no reason.
Talk to yourself?: A lot
Do you have any regrets?: Not really
Believe in magick?: I do
Do you support gay marriage?: I do
Sex before marriage?: Why not... So long as it's safe
Do you trust people easily?: Yeah
Forgive easily?: Some
Do you have a secret no one knows?: Some people know, but it is not common knowledge
Do you get along with your parents?: Meh what day is it?
What about other people?: Some people just plain fuckin' suck
How do you vent your anger?: I internalize until it all bubbles over...
Do you like George Bush?: FUCK HIM! Bastard ass.
Goal Before you die?: Be happy for once..Really truly happy.
Biggest Fear: Heights, spiders, bridges
Biggest Weakness: No will power, socially inept
Do you play an instrument?: I wish
What do you want to be when you grow up?: I don't know yet
PERSONALITY TRAITS
Are you...
A bitch?: Sometimes
A daydreamer?: Sadly
Shy?: Most times
Talkative?: Sometimes
Energetic?: Sometimes
Happy?: Not really
Depressed?: Probably
Funny?: Some what
Slutty?: No
Boring?: Probably
Mean?: I don't know probably
Nice?: Mostly
Caring?: Yeah
Trustworthy?: Yes
Confident?: Not really
Friendly?: Sometimes after the initial silence
Smart?: Not really
Sarcastic?: Me? Never!
Dependable?: Yeah
Quiet?: Depends on who I am with...or my mood
Weird?: Oh I've got that covered
Adaptable?: Somewhat.
Strong (emotionally)?: Not really
Strong (physically)?:a small bit
Mature?: Over rated,but sometimes
Logical?: No.
Religious?: Not really...not in the Christian sense
Modest?: I'd like to believe so
Indecisive?: Indecisive loser
Sympathetic?: Yeah I try to be
Polite?: Try
Creative?: I try like hell...
Fun to be around?: I hope
Lovable?: Maybe?
Easily Amused?: Oh you have no idea
Outgoing?: Not really
Daring?: No
Clumsy?: Quite so
Nosy?: Yes, somewhat.
Lazy?: Yes
Scary?: I think I scare lots of people
Optimistic?: Meh.
Persuasive?: I don't know
A good listener?: Yes
Curious?: A bit
Determined?: A bit
Determined: More not than so
Artistic: Not so much
Honest?: Yes
Respectful?: Yes for the most part
Conceited?: I would like to think not
Cocky?: Hope not
Controlling?: I don't know...hope noy
Playful?: Try to be
Easygoing?: Sometimes
Carefree?: Not much
Hot Headed?: Some I guess
Serious?: I try to be when it's called for
Thoughtful?: I'd like to think so
Considerate?: Yes
Stubborn?: Some, but not much
Romantic?: Not really
Ambitious?: No
Jealous?: Somewhat I guess
Insecure?: Mostly
Obsessive?: Maybe
Attentive?: Yeah
Helpful?: I try
Punctual?: Yeah
Rational?: Sometimes
Sincere?: Yes
Tolerant?: I think so
GOODBYE
Did you enjoy this survey?: It kept me busy
Was it too long?: Meh
Do you think it contained just about everything?: I'm sure you got it all

Random shit.

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 05:18:22 GMT

1. My username is: sacred_lie. It's a Disturbed song, and it has a nice ring to it, Like I am your sacred lie..or something.

2. My journal is titled: Random Hell. For I am a random person.

3. My subtitle: Cake or death. It's random, and my love for Eddie Izzard knows no bounds.

4. My friends page is called: Nothing I've not thought of something clever yet. Someday I shall.

5. My default userpic is from I pic I found of Johnny Christ. Darling Lily added the text for me..cos I want Johnny to be my baby duck. That and sometimes he looks duckish on stage.

I wanna hold you high... You steal my pain away

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 05:26:33 GMT

I should warn you that I'm bitchy, and in need of sleep or a steaming bowl of death.

Yep, that about sums it all up. I'm just sick of every-motherfuckin-thing! I'm fucking sick of people insinuating that I do not know what is best for my child. If I don't know fuckin' do something about it, other than just standing over my motherfucking shoulder like 'you're doing it wrong.'

I'm sick of Bill being, well, Bill. Seriously, he's the most ignorant, infuriating person I know. And I know a fucking LOT of stupid annoying people. He called me this past weekend carrying on about how he had to bring Austin home " Like now!" (not that I minded that) but the fact that on the phone he couldn't give me a reason with his 'It's urgent and I'm important' tone. Then proceeds to tell me when he brings him home ( In front of our son no less) that he may end up *back* in jail.

Apparently, since he lives in the motherfuckin ghetto, someone was after one of his neighbors and waving a gun around all crazy like coming up to the truck that they were in with it. So Bill was going to 'Take care of his ass!' And granted if someone came near my son with a gun I'd kill the motherfucker, no doubt about it, but I don't know...it's just very Bill and if I know him he didn't do shit. Or if he did no one saw fit to inform me if he got his dumbass locked up or shot.

Then there's work where my 'boss' says one thing then does the complete other. And I try not to judge because she's new at it and I've made virtual tons of mistakes in my new position,but some people just aren't management material...Myself included. I have like no spine...Literally!

That being mostly the cause of all my problems...So it's all brought on myself and I shouldn't complain. We could call it karmic payback and be done with it...BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

Aye, that's right my mental dysfunction knows no bounds. I've this thing that's been rattling around my head for a while now, about a guy I dated in high school. Even though I know the likelihood of running into him and recognizing him is slim, I dread the possibility of it happening. Dread it with unreasonable fear. More karmic retribution in store? Probable. Karma just needs to shit all over me and get it over with...I may have the worse energy ever.

One last thing... So I have this want, this NEED, craving whatever,for something that I am not entirely sure what it is. Part of it being a romantic relationship. Despite the fact that I know no one with whom I would want said relationship. Which begs the question: Is it possible to long for/ love someone you've never even met? Seriously I don't even have a hint as to who it is, but whoever he is he pretty much owns my soul right now. And it fuckin' sucks! So fuck him, and fuck this unnamed feeling that's been haunting me for something like two months.

Done..for now